Contraception

Contraception is the name for the act of pregnancy prevention. There are four key areas of contraception:

Hormonal

Progesterone and oestrogen are the commonest uses of contraception. They work by inhibiting the normal hormonal cycle of the menstrual cycle. They are available for women to take in 3 different ways:

Combined oral contraceptives

If you give Superman the combined oral contraceptive, although he doesn't lose his superpowers, he does grow breasts.

How it works: Known as the pill, this is a mix of oestrogen and progesterone, taken every day for 3 weeks, then stopped for one.

How good is it: Taken properly, the pill has a failure rate of around 2/1000 women years. Taken badly or irregularly, it is much less effective. Because it is absorbed in the stomach, if the woman has any GI problems or is ill, it can be poorly absorbed. Because of its rare side effects, it is contraindicated in many people.

Problems: Women report weight gain, nausea, headaches and breast tenderness. It can also (rarely) cause:

• Blood clots, and related cardiovascular events, such as strokes, DVT, MI, PE.
• Migraine
• Hypertension
• Cervical carcinoma

Progesterone only pill

How it works: Makes cervical mucus hostile to sperm, and inhibits ovulation in some women too.

How good is it: Slightly less good than the pill, it has a failure rate of around 1/100 women years. It is also poorly absorbed when people have gastric disturbance. Whilst early POPs had a small margin for error in the time that they needed taking, some of the more modern types allow a 12 hour window.

Problems: There are less side effects than the COC, but many women do notice spotting bleeding during the month, which can be a big problem to them.

Progesterone Depot/Implant

How it works: Works the same way as the POP. Makes cervical mucus hostile to sperm, and inhibits ovulation in some women too. The depot injection needs to be renewed every 3 months, the implants every 3 years.

How good is it: The beauty is that it is always in so it can't be forgotten, and GI disturbance doesn't affect its absorption. Its failure rate, as long as people don't forget to have it renewed, is around 1/2000. This means its very effective.

Problems: Similar side effects to the POP. The biggest thing women complain of is 'spotting', or unexpected bleeding.

Rubbish

This couple have gone for a very effective form of contraception, being gay. It is interesting to note that, in the case of the woman on the right, she is also remarkably ugly, itself an effective contraception.

There are many other forms of contraception, such as "family planning" and "the rhythm method". Most of them are highly unreliable, and are listed below, in order of effectiveness:

• Withdrawal: -4%
• Being stupid: 6%
• Smoking: 10%
• Ugliness: 25%
• Being welsh: 28%
• The Rhythm Method: 40%
• Self inflicted genital mutilation: 73%
• Cancer: 82%
• Being gay: 100%